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in his old blog
that he since deleted there was a post he had written in budapest on january first two thousand nine or ten the most painful post barukh can recall and in it he described that new years’ morning in two thousand nine or ten he spent lying in his children’s room alone on the floor among toys and he couldn’t see colours he wasn’t present in that world he was floating somewhere between being and not-being while lying on the floor without any kind of will or purpose to go on living the failures of the previous five-six years and the feeling that he wasn’t enough consumed all the strength barukh had to want to exist not only live in this world but exist in any of the present or coming worlds 
now
again barukh is lying on the floor in his jerusalem apartment just like before umpteen years ago in budapest and he can’t see colours again his throat hurts from howling because he howled inarticulately unconsciously for a long time loudly like a wounded gorilla scary on the outside desperate on the inside then he entered lelush’s empty room started to cry and dropped on the floor he is still lying there he is not howling any more he is not crying his throat hurts his tears dried on his face he is staring at the window not looking just staring and there are no colours just like umpteen years ago and barukh again feels that he has no strength to exist that not only he would rather die but actually he would like best if his soul perished and died altogether and he himself ceased to exist and disappeared without a trace … barukh is not enough it’s not only a feeling he knows it the world has told him his results his achievements his numbers are not enough just as in the past almost twenty years he has never been enough how long can you live like that? knowing that you or whatever you can give is never enough not that you or whatever you can give is so special because it is not really but the feeling is unbearable that despite all your efforts all your fierce efforts neither you nor your numbers would ever be enough how long can you live like that? it is not barukh who wants to know the answer he is just lying on the floor staring i want to know the answer how long can he stand the feeling that he is not enough? he and his opportunities and his abilities and his efforts how long can he stand the feeling that fierce efforts don’t count if they don’t bring the appropriate numbers that fierce efforts without results don’t even exist if it wasn’t for fred and lelush barukh would answer to me: i don’t know how long others can stand it but i can’t stand it any more and he would start googling his options what and how much he should ingest so that after he goes to bed in the evening he won’t have to wake up again not because death would be a solution to his problem but because it would be a necessary first step … barukh is lying on the floor naked with his towel wrapped around his waist he stares at the window he is not looking just stares straight ahead and he thinks that fred and lelush do need him now and will need him in the future even if he is dysfunctional as a father because he loves them he loves them so much as during their lives few people will do and seeing how little love there is in the world and how little fred and lelush will get during their lives barukh can’t afford to waste the love that belongs to his sons and to take it with him to non-existence so as long as they are here he stays and does his job as a first step he is writing this poem
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