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born israeli

16/11/2022

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a wise person once said
that the worst possible advice
a born israeli can be given is

be yourself

because
born israelis had better not
be themselves

god forbid!

they
are already too loud

gesticulate
complain
protest
and grumble
too much

they are
too intense
too absorbed
too unruly

all
in
all
too
much
already!

barukh was anxious
five years ago
as he entered the airplane

he didn’t like himself
and felt ashamed of himself

not because of the aliyah
but because of
what had happened before

for years

because
he had sold
his soul
to the devil
and the devil didn’t pay him off

so he didn’t only lose his soul

but also the price of it

he gave up everything
for conformity in hungary
but to no avail
he couldn’t fit in

and so
he didn’t only lose conformity
but also lost what he gave up for it

himself

(everything)
Picture
barukh arrived in israel
hoping that one day
one of our days
he would become an israeli
not only on paper
but by the looks of it too

so all that anxiety and shame
he had brought from hungary
would be wiped out of him
would disappear

like
forever

he hoped
if he had wanted it enough
and had strived for it badly enough
he could’ve divested himself
of his galutnik background
one hundred percent
he could’ve ripped out the roots
that linked him to the european diaspora

and then
he would’ve really become
a born israeli
at least as he saw born israelis

intense
absorbed
unruly

he hoped
that he would speak
hebrew without an accent
that he would be
unbroken
and enthralled

he hoped
that he would be assimilated

that he would blend in

and disappear

and he would never ever
feel like an outsider
again

this is not what happened

and poor barukh
is about to accept it too

he will never be a born israeli

because he wasn’t born in israel

and if he tries to act
as if he was born here
forcing matters
taking on gestures and mannerisms
that born israelis use
then he will lose
exactly what makes born israelis
born israelis

that they are
who they are
just the way they are

for barukh
who was born
in a family of wandering arameans
and whose ancestors
always unconditionally believed in
the power of assimilation
it is difficult to accept
that there are limits
to how successfully
he can become assimilated

that no matter how much he wants to
no matter how much he tries
he won’t be
a born israeli

a wise person once said
that the worst possible advice
a born israeli can be given is

be yourself!

it took barukh
five years in israel
to understand
and acknowledge
and accept
that the only way
to permanently
get rid of
wipe out
and destroy
the anxiety and shame
he had brought from hungary
and simultaneously
make him
more or less
like a born israeli:

is not to try to be
a born israeli

if he gave up
trying to be
someone else
than what he was
who he was
but rather
would try to
discover
who he was
and what he was

then
with all his might
all his energy
he would turn into
what he was
and who he was

so much so
that even
the aforementioned wise person
will tell him:

barukh!
dai!
khalas!

enough!

don’t be yourself!
this is too much already!
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why does barukh write about himself in the third person?

6/1/2019

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because
that way
it is easier for him
to tell the truth
about himself

don’t forget
barukh is not an official poet
only a self-appointed one

he can’t simply
put his pen on the paper
and write that
i'm a genius genius
i believe in god
and I believe that god
believes in claude
that's me that's me


barukh hasn’t received a permit
from the poets’ guild
to claim
that god believes in him

or something to that effect

barukh started to write poems
for himself

not like
homer
goethe
francois villon
fernando pessoa
or william bloody shakespeare
whose poems belong in
school books
so they are officially poets
with capital letters

barukh is not an official poet

and as if
that wasn’t enough
neither rhymes nor rhythms
can be found in his so-called poems

so
no surprises
that those grown-ups
who think of poetry 
as a kind of sealed
official thing
that has certain
indispensable
and well-known formal rules
formal and procedural rules
so these grown-ups
there are plenty of them
we all know people like them
think 
that barukh is not a poet
but just a „poet”

and barukh
doesn’t have
the balls
the chutzpah
the courage
the nerve
to not give a shit
about what these grown-ups say
so he thinks of himself 
as just a „poet”
and he is simply unable
to put into writing
something like
that:

i wanted to fool everybody

whereas a real poet
sometimes
has to write stuff like that
for the sake of the truth

so barukh
as a non-official
and not very brave „poet”
would rather hide
behind the third person
and write the truth
from there:

barukh wanted to fool everybody

because
that way
it is easier for him
Picture
second stanza:

the other reason
why barukh
writes in the third person
is that he doesn’t love himself enough

he doesn’t love himself enough
to write his poems
and put them on the internet
and say:

lo and behold
here I am
barukh
the poet
give me
a warm welcome 

because
how he could ask others
to do something
that he
himself
cannot do

because he
i mean i
cannot give myself
a warm welcome

because
i myself think
that i am just a „poet”
written in all lowercase
and in quotation marks

so for me
i mean for barukh
it is much easier to write
that:

lo and behold
this is barukh
the poet
give him
a warm welcome

much
so much easier
it is for me
to love barukh
and ask for love
for him
than for myself

and it is much easier
to write lovingly
about my protagonist
if it is not me
but
it’s him

in the third person singular

no surprises there

it is much easier
to love barukh
than me
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